Check back soon
Once posts are published, you’ll see them here.
Some (or perhaps even many) of you reading this know that I struggled very much with anger when I was younger. A huge part of my testimony of transformation through Christ is leaving that lifestyle and mindset behind to become more of the person He wants me to be. I can say with confidence that I have changed to become the person I am today because of the love and power of Jesus Christ, God my heavenly Father, and the Holy Spirit living in me. I can still fall into those habitual ruts in my life, reverting to negativity and anger at times, but through that Holy Trinity I will continue to seek further transformation in this area as well as the rest of my life.
Although my overwhelming feeling is awe at God's miraculous power, looking back on who I once was sometimes brings remorse and frustration on account of the pain and disunity I created with my negative presence, especially with my immediate family. Momma used to tell me that my attitude, snide remarks, etc. were poisonous, but I was never... I don't know, thoughtful? conscientious? enough to do anything more than sneer at her in ignorance.
To Mom, Rachel, Dad, Sebastian, and Lala especially, but also to everyone who I affected with my negativity and anger: please forgive me. I am so sorry for the way I poisoned our home, or any space into which I brought my negativity. Momma, when you told me I was acting poisonously, I really didn't believe you. You were trying to help me be a better person, and you were trying to protect yourself and others from my attitude, but I refused to recognize my problem--let alone seek change.
I have recently encountered a person whose sometimes hateful actions and words have actually helped me to better understand who I used to be--and how my negativity used to affect the people I was close to. The way this person can at times seek to strike anybody within reach at their weak point; the way they can allow situations to get the best of them until they take their anger out on undeserving passers-by; the way they deliver cutting comments out of nowhere...it all feels too familiar. But this time, I am on the receiving end.
For the first time in my life, I am experiencing the power that such hatred can wield. When this negativity is loosed, I feel the effects of it creeping into my own mood and outlook on my day and its various components. The way this negativity overwhelms myself and others in the environment sucks me dry when I let it. I finally understand how a person's poison can affect those in their environment--how my poison used to affect those in my environment.
I have been doing my best to fight against the hatred and for the goodness in this person. I have been struggling to remember who my source of light and life is: the LORD my God. The Holy Spirit moves in power when I ask Him to. He fills me with strength to love, despite the negativity. The very second I remember to look to Him in those low moments, He rushes in at my invitation to remind me of His power over the negativity I feel in myself and my environment. It's a tangible weight I can sense God lifting from my mind and soul.
God also reminds me of the great potential this person has. They truly can be great. I know personally that God can bring a person out of their bitterness given an open (even if often reluctant) heart. He has changed me dramatically. I think back on who I was ten or even five years ago, and I don't even feel like the same person at all. Again, it's hard to realize I was capable of spewing so much bitterness...but all I can do now is choose to live beyond regret, praise Jesus for the work He has done and is doing in my life, and continue walking in His light.
If you or somebody in your life struggles with anger or any other habitual and consuming weakness, I pray you will take heart at my testimony. God, the all-powerful and perfectly loving creator of the universe, wants to walk with us. He wants us to let Him in as He stands knocking at the front door of our lives. He wants to be in community with us, to transform us, and to lead us in His light, love, and truth. Don't let yourself be convinced that anybody is beyond His transformative power. He is THE God of grace and miracles, and He's just waiting for your invitation to start His beautiful work in and around you.
"Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and eat with him, and he with me."
--Revelation 3:20
(Just a couple of photos from my commute and workplace. Some office, huh?!)